Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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