4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
