In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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