The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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