Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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