Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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