I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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