Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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