what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
