And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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