so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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