saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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