he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
