I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize