They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
