her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
