Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
