So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
