You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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