I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
