God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
