shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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