I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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