drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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