did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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