Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
