If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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