Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
