I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
