Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
