On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
