Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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