I showed him my bush... on skype.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
