is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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