Even the bartender felt bad for me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
