I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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