Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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