she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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