Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
