mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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