idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
