I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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