it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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