thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
