They should really pass out barf bags in church
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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