So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
