Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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