you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
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