Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
