Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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