I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Couch. On fire.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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