I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
