i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just high enough for therapy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
