I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
