Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
