im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
