listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
