break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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