I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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