So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
