I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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