porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
