by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize