he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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