when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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